Reindeer Games (or Santa Claus is Evil)

Santa Claus terrified me.  I had serious issues with a guy who somehow kept tabs on me all year long & could get into the house without a key.
"We don't have a chimney.  If he doesn't have a key, how does he get in?"
"Santa is magic."  I guess I'm a born skeptic but that was not a sufficient answer for me.  And besides, who says 'magic' is altruistic?  So Santa topped my short list of creepy bad guys.

Most kids lie awake on Christmas Eve, eagerly anticipating Santa's arrival, but I would lie awake, soaked in dread, ears tuned in for the slightest misstep in the hallway outside my door lest I needed to hide under the bed.  

"Just go tell him what you want."  Mom would edge me toward the old man sitting in a Krylon-gilded throne in the middle of Sky City.  Have you ever seen a Sky City Santa?  He's closely related to Homeless Shelter Santa.  No way.
"You know what I want."
"You have to tell him."
"I want everything I see on t.v.--that's what Daddy says."  Really, it was a no-miss proposition.  As long as it was brightly colored plastic or had a K-Tel label, he was good to go.
"If you don't tell him what you want, you might not get anything."
"OK."  I could not be bribed... well, okay, I could but not when it came to that guy.

My fear of him was so intense that in the middle of Summer, when Mom would announce "I'm going to the store", and I would cry "I'M GOING TOO!"--all she had to say--and frequently did--was "Okay, but Santa's going to be there."
"I'll stay here."  Perhaps Santa wasn't the only evil mind in the crowd...

In the 2nd grade, my friend Missy confided that Santa was a hoax.  I confronted my Mother immediately.  "Santa Claus is absolutely real" she said.  Arrrrgh!  I was so disappointed.
"But he died," Mama continued, "so Moms & Dads all over the world got together and decided that Santa was such a kind soul, they would continue his work."

The conversation took a turn she didn't expect.
"Didn't Santa believe in Jesus?"
"I'm sure he did."
"But if you believe in Jesus, you never die."
She was quiet for a while, either considering how to explain Heavenly eternity to a six year old or wishing that she'd just said no and rolled over that fateful night in 1966.  I don't remember what she said after that; I just remember being content.

Probably because Santa Claus is dead.

The Most Humiliating Day of My Life

A couple of years ago, to celebrate the opening of our Christmas season, the management team at work decided it would be a good idea to kick things off by serving our team breakfast that morning.  I am happy to serve as hostess at such an event for people who work so hard every day.  I'm delighted to play silly games, clear tables, sing Christmas songs, etc.  I'm a little less than thrilled to do it at the end of 12 straight work days, on my one day off, dressed like an elf.

So after my gig was over, I was high-tailing my red & white stripe socks and pointy elf hat out of there as fast as my little Shetland Pony legs could carry me.  Unfortunately, before I could escape I ran into our friend Jesse who works with my beau.  He was with several other people and as badly as I hated attempting polite conversation while looking like Hermey the Dentist, it would have been rude not to stop and say hello.  Jesse introduced me to his friend John, saying "Phil's done some work for John and it was awesome."  John nodded his head in agreement.  I said "Oh, I'm so glad.  Phil's very talented; he does good work."  John said "So, are you, like, Phil's Mom?"

...................................... dude .......................................

I won't repeat what came out of my mouth after that, but let's just say the overall feeling for John went from being something like the final scene in "It's a Wonderful Life" to the final scene in "The Exorcist."  It's safe to say John is clear now.

Sadly, that wasn't the 1st time I've been mistaken for Phil's mother, nor the last, but as I recount my life's experiences, being mistaken for the mother of a man who is 7 year older than I am while wearing full elf regalia tops the list as the most humiliating.