Eva Braun--The Car

I know this much about myself: I don't really care much about what I drive.  I don't need my car to say "I have lots of money... or lots of credit", I don't need it to say "I'm tough"; "I'm pretty", or "I'm fast."  I'm pretty sure my car says "I am weeks away from appearing on Hoarders" and I'm fine with that.

I drive an old VW Passat Wagon; I love her.  I named her Eva Braun because she's German, a touch evil and often misguided.

Eva is also smart.  She announces any condition that a driver might want to note, down to the smallest detail such as the temperature has fallen below freezing...  Gee thanks, Eva; I had no idea.  As is her fashion, she gives a shrill "neeeeeeeeet" (which always makes me bolt upright) and then she flashes a message across the dashboard.  "Please refuel" is her most frequent request.

But today, she announced something new.  
"neeeeeeeet...BOOT LID AJAR" she said in a deep, smoke-soaked German accent.

"My what?"

"neeeeeeeet...BOOT LID AJAR" and then, as if I was being obtuse, she showed me an image of a car with the trunk lid up.

"Ohhhh...  my truuuuunk's open.  OK.  Thanks, Eva."  I sometimes forget that she's European.  I could only imagine what a car designed in Tennessee would say.  Probably something like  "Ay, yer trunk's open" or "Trunk's open, moron."

"neeeeeeet... BOOT LID AJAR."

If Eva & I have anything in common, it's that we are both stubborn and neither one of us will shut up.  So for 20 miles, she said "neeeeeeeet... BOOT LID AJAR."
And for 20 miles, I said:
"Yep; got it."
"Heard ya."
"Eva, I'm not pulling over.  Shut up."
And on and on.

When I finally got to my destination, I went around to the back of the car.  The boot lid was most definitely NOT ajar.  On my way home, she decided to lock & unlock her doors twice, randomly.  So it's clear to me that Eva's mind is no longer synapsing correctly.  Can her cyanide pill be far behind?

50 Shades of Something

I consider myself an avid reader, but I have a hard time getting into 'chick lit'.  I like to read things by people who write better than I do, who inspire me to prose, whose imagination and wit are superior to mine.  I could read 'To Kill a Mockingbird' every day--the whole absurd horror of the 'ham' attack is sheer brilliance.  Harper Lee called the novel 'a simple love story'.
I call it 'what I want to be when I grow up'.

When the '50 Shades of Gray' trilogy hit, friend after friend recommended it to me.  One friend announced "it's Mommy porn!"  That reminded me of an exchange--

Several years ago, I went to lunch with a friend from work.  Annie was a sweet strict Southern Baptist and well, I'm a mean, mediocre Methodist.  But we liked each other, learned a lot from each other, and both wanted something else as a profession.
"If you could do anything besides this, what would it be" she asked me.
"I would be a writer" I said.
"So write."
"Do you know how long it takes to write a novel?  Who has the time?"  (I could have written 30 since I had this conversation...but it might require ADD medication and then I'm sure anything I wrote would suck.)
Trying to encourage me, she said "you could write those little romance books."
I arched an eyebrow and smirked.  "Annie, you've know me for a while now-you know there's not a romantic bone in my body."
"Well," said my sweet Southern Baptist friend, "write those little porn books."

???

So far, I've avoided '50 Shades of Gray', but Annie might have been on to something.  Sooner or later, I'll read it.  I just want to buy my own copy.